a grace for this season

“I don’t have a grace for it anymore.”

I used to think of this statement as a Christian euphemism for quitting. I heard it in the context of people leaving jobs and breaking promises. Or simply complaining about things that require effort.

And I was critical.

Life can be challenging. Just follow through on your commitment, I thought. Admit you don’t want to feel obligated, that you would rather give up — instead of playing a victim to your lack of dedication.

But now I’m sorry I was so judgmental.

Grace: favor, mercy, and empowerment to do what needs to be done

  • I’m an extrovert. I get energy from being around people. My husband usually wakes up at 5:30a to leave for school. We share a car, and he has it during the week. He often has long days and gets home late. (Apparently it’s tough, this PhD stuff.) I don’t have many friends, and it is more complicated to connect with people without my own transportation. Still, I try to schedule at least one playdate a week (for myself — Atlas doesn’t care yet) and that keeps my people-tank adequately full. I would have thought I would feel isolated, just the baby and me all day most days, but I feel loved.
  • I adore sunshine, especially paired with a cold beer on the beach. I used to live in South Florida and I miss it so much! A daily dose of vitamin D is so healthy: increases bone density, reduces cancer risk, improves sleep, and enhances mood and brain function. Colorado is pretty sunny, but I live in a garden-level apartment, i.e., basement. I could spend more time on the main floor or outside if I chose to, but for now it is easier to stay in my own little space. Days are darker down here, but my heart is light.
  • I receive fulfillment from professional accomplishments. I am motivated by public recognition and opportunity for advancement. I’m competitive. I love winning, no matter how small a prize. In the right timing, I will pursue a career again. Being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time job, but there is little praise and no promotion in sight. I may not be earning any rewards, but snuggling with my smiling baby is priceless, and spending my days with him is a treasure. The routine can be monotonous, but I am surprisingly content.

This season is hard — relationally, financially, logistically. It takes time to make new friends, to build mutual trust, to feel at home. It takes sacrifice and investment to stay at home with a baby, to go back to school, to follow my dreams.

This is a season of hiddenness, generally feeling unknown, misunderstood, and unappreciated. But I am confident I am where I need to be, that there is a wealth of growth in store for me. I imagine I could have felt lonely and frustrated, perhaps even discouraged. But I am full of hope. It’s a hard season, but it’s a good season.

There’s a grace for it.

>>>

Photo credit: Reagan Denine Photography

 

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6 comments

  1. The early days do have beauty in them which it sounds like you’re finding, but they’re also incredibly hard and isolating. It’s awesome that you have a nurturing routine!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post resonate so much with me! Is exactly where I am right now. I liked what you said about having the grace to get through this as well as the grace to enjoy this time. God gives such grace! It truly is a hidden season. I’m a type a person too and starting back in my career on Monday, but from home. But honestly knowing that time being mentally away from baby is coming, is has caused me to just so appreciate every Snuggle!!

    Liked by 1 person

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