2013: pieces come together

Reading my first posts from over a year ago, I seem so immature. When I started this blog in fall 2012, I was trying hard to be happy and find my purpose in South Florida — that is, when I wasn’t too busy resenting the fact that I wasn’t living the life I “could have” had. Although I am still pursuing happiness and purpose, 2013 has highlighted a few helpful points along the way…

THE PAST IS REAL

Previous generations affect the present and future in a realm beyond the physical. I see it in other people’s lives, and I see it in my own life. For blessing or cursing, I continue to be impacted by the decisions of my parents and my parents’ parents. It is both sobering and hopeful to believe that my actions today can truly make a difference in my future children’s ability to live happy lives.

I have come to believe that a person’s hopes and dreams as a child are the desires of their true self, desires from the purest parts before life unfolds and levels aspirations.

DREAMS ARE REAL

Dreams of the night-kind, and dreams of the heart-kind, are more important than I ever thought. This year I was taught that God can speak to people through their dreams, and that sharing those dreams can greatly encourage and guide others. Additionally, as I have worked through hurts and pains stemming from my childhood, I have less unconscious fear, and drastically fewer nightmares.

I still have occasional bad dreams of evil men chasing me, wanting to kill me, etc. One night, Noah was sleeping, and he dreamt that I interrupted his dream and asked for help. He immediately woke up, knew I was having a bad dream, prayed for me, and fell back to sleep. Sure enough, when I woke up in the morning I told him about my bad dream. It’s so nice to be connected to my husband even when we are not conscious.

EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED

Spiritual struggles, emotional baggage, physical ailments — everything about me is intertwined. My lack of passion for God, disconnected relationship with my parents, impatience and irritability, unrealistic expectations, hormones, self-hatred, skin problems. My desire to make a difference, intimacy with my husband, loyalty and love for my sister, forgiveness and reconciliation, meaningful days at work, self-love and self-empowerment, exercising and eating clean.

As I clean out my past, my body is cleansed. I have unintentionally lost 15 lbs. As I dwell less in criticism, resentment, and excuses, I dwell more fully in the present. I am less stressed out by work and the unknowns of the future. As I listen to my heart, I set priorities and use my voice. I am neither bored nor too busy. I have dreams and goals. I receive love. I look for love in the right places. I see how pieces fit together.

Year by year.

“We are only what we know, and I wished to be so much more than I was, sorely.” –David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

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